Picture Me Skinny

iguanamouth:

birds are so ridiculous how do they even all exist???

fuckin

crazy ass

bobbleheaded

tiny motherfuckin

i dont even

things that dont make any sense

dragon faced

jesus christ is that a duck

some kind of prehistoric nonsense

holy shit where is your beak even birds, BIRDS

I binged yesterday.  A real binge.  An enormous binge.

The day started out alright.  I had a handful of pretzel sticks and some rice.  Then something inside me just snapped.  I ate

• A pint of ice cream
• An entire jar of Nutella
• 3 slices of pizza
• The pasta out of a Domino’s pasta breadbowl PLUS 1/3 of the bread

It’s past noon today and I still feel full.  I’m disappointed in myself…really disappointed.  But I refuse to weigh myself; it will just make me feel hopeless.  I won’t weigh myself again until next Saturday—hopefully yesterday’s binge won’t have much of an effect on the week’s weight.

I guess a small victory is that I went an entire 7 days without a real binge.  I’m not going to give up.  I will reach 155 pounds eventually.

Okay.  I need to stop whining and feeling sorry for myself.

I am a few pounds down this week.  It might be only a little, but it’s progress.

Anyway, only 3 out of the past 7 days were honestly “good.”  Saturday through Monday I worked out every day and ate healthy.

Tuesday I worked out but had a late-night mini-binge.

Wednesday through Friday I didn’t work out AND had daily mini-binges.

Is it really any surprise that I’m not down to 165?  Did I really give 100% last week?  No.  No no no.  No I didn’t.  This week is going to be 100% every day.  I just keep telling myself to give it a week of 100%.  Then I can see what progress can be made in a week.  I CAN DO THIS.

I just stopped a binge before it happened!  I put on my coat and boots to go to the store—I was going to buy some cheese dip and chips, and maybe some ice cream while I was at it.  But I decided NO.

I feel like total shit right now.  I just generally hate my body and want to go hide in a cave so no one sees me looking fat like this.

But on the other hand, at least I didn’t binge.  At least I didn’t ruin the week’s (tiny) progress.

Oh, and I did weigh myself.  I’m back up several pounds.  Basically I’m barely below 170.  Ughhhhh I hate myself so much.

Okay so yesterday I did not, in fact, eat well OR work out.  I definitely ate too much.  Call it a mini-binge.  Thankfully I didn’t go to the store and buy a bunch of stuff; I binged on what was already in the house (peanut butter, 2 protein bars, some chex mix, some Hersheys kisses).  In the end it wasn’t devastating, but it wasn’t great.

Read More

The last few days have been alright.

Wednesday my plan was to eat only 250-300 calories.  I had a 130-calorie Greek yogurt for lunch, but once I got back to my apartment in the evening I ate a ton of Better’n Peanut Butter (literally half the jar—700 calories) and a 130-calorie fiber bar.  I ate some Nutella and peanut butter too.  It sounds terrible but ultimately I probably didn’t have more than 1,500 calories.  I didn’t go to the gym.

Read More

I weighed myself this morning and I’m back up to 170.  All that work for nothing.  Good to know 800 calories can make me gain 4 pounds.  Awesome.  I’m so disgusting.  I’m a big fat whale and I hate myself.

Definitely not eating more than 400 calories today.  I’ve done nothing but drink water so far.  I’ll have a banana and yogurt for lunch later.

If I’m not down to 166 by tomorrow I don’t know what I’ll do.

Plus it’s 70 degrees here today so I can’t hide under layers like I usually do.  Uggghhh all my flabby fat is so disgusting.  I hate myself so much.

I’ve been on the verge of tears all day because I gained the weight back overnight.  I’ll fucking kill myself before I gain weight again.

3 good days and then a binge.  I am a complete failure.  Utterly fucking worthless.

I had a ton of chocolate Better’n Peanut Butter (like 600 calories), plus a 140-calorie chocolatey fiber bar.  And a few swigs of chocolate milk (like 100 calories?).

I know 840 calories is not the end of the world, but I feel so angry with myself.

I don’t even know why I ate them.  Like, as I was eating I was thinking “Why am I doing this?  I wasn’t even craving these.  I’m not even enjoying this food.”  But I physically couldn’t stop.

Tomorrow I am going to eat very few calories.  I wouldn’t have time to exercise tomorrow anyway, so I’m not worried about getting fatigued.  I’m not going to let this ruin everything!!!!!  I’ll try to limit myself to 800 calories or so tomorrow to try to balance things a little.  I am going to weigh fucking 150 by Spring Break.  I have to.  The very thought of being this fat any longer makes me physically ill.

I can’t believe it’s only Day 4.  Time is passing so slowly!

I’ve eaten 831 calories so far today.  I’ll definitely have another meal later.  I also went to the gym and did some running (run 1 mile, walk 5 minutes, run 1 mile; my miles are around a 9:30/mile pace).

Read More